I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
