Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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