I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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