You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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