Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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