I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize