It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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