And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize