I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
