True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize