Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
