I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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