He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
