drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
