you guys were way drunker than both of me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
