i love accidental penises.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
