After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
it hurts more in the daytime
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
