never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
