can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
worst night to have a conscience
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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