I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
