We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
