In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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