I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
