He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
and you fell through a lawn chair
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
