Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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