No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
