I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you didnt know i had herpes?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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