in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
