miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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