Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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