i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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