If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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