Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
