Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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