don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
