dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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