Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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