I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
