you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
