Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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