You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
