I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
