I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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