the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
