is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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