Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
