just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
