my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
