just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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