i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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