i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
