I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
