The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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