i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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